womaninformed

Within patriarchal norms, males are prioritized in the hierarchy. Research on internalized misogyny has identified the tendency for women to prioritize the needs of men over women as a dimension of internalized misogyny. This makes sense given another dimension of internalized misogyny suggests that women abdicate their value, power and sense of self in favor of men.

Bearman and Amrhein in their book, Internalized Oppression, provide an overview of the dynamics underlying the many types of internalized oppression. For women, they share an overview of the specific cultural roots and systems framework that creates internalized misogyny in women.

We know that sexism invalidates women and their experiences and as a result women internalize this invalidation and extend this belief set beyond self to other women.  This leads to women distrusting their own views and judgement, feeling they need to rely on men. Women that have absorbed this harmful aspect of self may then leave the power of decision making to men.

When males are prioritized, it perpetuates a lack of balance in power structures. Because this lack of trust extends to other women, women may have a desire for male leadership. Women experiencing this impact of sexism may be more comfortable with men in charge.

Another important way this form of sexism arises is in discussions of patriarchy. Patriarchy by its very nature prioritizes men as the dominate group and oppressions women. Demonstrating an aspect of internalized misogyny, women may desire to redirect the focus on the harm done to women in patriarchy to how we can support men in their journey to overcome the harmful impact of patriarchy. Patriarchal norms put women in the role of supporters and caretakers of men. This gender norm undermines and minimizes the needs of women in favor of men. In relation to patriarchy, women may be deflecting away from the challenging internal work of dismantling the patriarchy that resides within. This is the primary work of women.

There is complexity to this issue because even though men are not the oppressed group in patriarchy, it does harm them. Patriarchal systems assign codes, scripts, meanings and social norms based on the gender binary that harm the emotional well being, mental health, self awareness and relational abilities of people across the gender spectrum, including men. Men are hurting, trapped in expectations of dominance and control. Patriarchal norms prescribe that we treat men as if their feelings don’t count. It does not acknowledge that men have the right to their full humanity, vulnerability and emotional expression. When we are in relationship, we can support men in their journey, offering our presence, recognizing that it is their journey, and women have their own.

There are therapists and feminists that focus on helping men overcome the negative impact of patriarchy. With the exception of the responsibility of being therapists to men and boys, or parenting boys, this work is not women’s primary responsibility. If interested in this issue, a good place to start is with Bell Hooks, in her book, The Will To Change. In it she shares how men can overcome the negative socialization of patriarchy. Men need to learn to get in touch with and express emotion and open to a rich and spiritual inner world.  She shares how toxic masculinity is related to a damaged ability for love, intimacy, connection and relationships, violence and other ailments of society. She addresses how men can work to dismantle their internalized patriarchy and how as a result, there is so much to gain.

Patriarchy denies full humanity to everyone of every gender. Just as patriarchal norms deny women their “masculine” side, patriarchal norms deny men their “feminine” side. To overcome patriarchy, all people across the gender spectrum must reclaim their whole being and experience the freedom of an authentic self expression that is not narrowly defined by harmful norms. It is interesting to note that it is more socially acceptable to suggest that men balance their masculine side with their feminine side that to suggest the opposite for women. Women’s feminine sides need the balance of the masculine side to empower the feminine. This balance strengthens the feminine energy and women, and this is not a desired outcome within patriarchal power structures.

Research by Bearman, Korobov and Thorne describe how incidents of sexism exist on a spectrum. Mundane, everyday sexism is the background of our daily lives. These everyday experiences have a profound impact on women’s mental health and relationships. One result of day-to-day sexism is the pervasiveness of women’s feelings of unworthiness and powerlessness. The source of these harmful feelings about self are often left unexamined.  

One of the dimensions of internalized misogyny identified in research conducted by Binaz Bozker in 2020 is that women devalue themselves. They judge themselves less worthy than males. When women feel they hold less value and are less worthy than their male peers, their sense of self is damaged and that may lead to feelings of incompetence and the acceptance of powerlessness.

Women’s self-targeting derogation, or value reduction, includes an internalized patriarchal sense of morality. Derogation keeps women in their place, a place that supports the disproportionate distribution of power in patriarchal systems as women believe they are exactly where they need to be and are unworthy, or unsuited, for a different position in life. This morality is oppressive in that it confines women to live within a limiting and narrow spectrum of behavior norms, creating barriers for women’s full ability for self-expression and life possibilities.

The authors of Internalized Oppression, Bearman and Amrhein, outline how in everyday conversation and situations, women’s experiences and characteristics are invalidated and trivialized. In comparison to men, patriarchal society does not value women’s values, choices, feelings, thoughts, opinions, views and preferences. When this becomes internalized, a woman does not believe in their own judgements, and she is more likely to rely on men. In this way, she abdicates her power of decision making and her life choices.

Another way that this dimension serves the aim of oppression is that when women internalize powerlessness they may self-silence their voice and avoid asserting their ideas, decisions and power. This is an obvious win for oppressors. Embodying power, being decisive and demonstrating assertiveness are traits reserved for men in patriarchal structures. There are also financial and professional consequences of internalizing these gender expectations. A woman that owns her agency traits of power and assertiveness may realize more competence and success in many professional areas, especially male dominated fields.

Women learn early that the need to be liked versus respected relates to how we hide our voice power, assertiveness and elements of self that don’t fit gender norms. Women that reject the oppression of patriarchal values asking us to act as if unworthy and powerless face social consequences. They will be perceived by people that uphold patriarchal values as less desirable. For women to be both relational and empowered, it may require she strategically seek out and maintain relationships, friendships and social networks of similarly empowered people to avoid social penalties and nurture supportive relationships that are in line with an empowered value system.

When a woman abdicates her power, she may give in to cultural pressure.  In this case, women may internalize a low expectation of their capabilities and live their life accordingly. This submission may be reflected in the full spectrum of life choices and level of conformity to gender role expectations. Women may choose careers perceived as designed primarily for females even if she has other interests and unowned talents. She may design her life in alignment with women’s expected role in society. When women do achieve, they may not own their own capabilities that contributed to success.

Patriarchal society glorifies women’s extreme self-sacrifice and may idealize renouncing, ignoring and sacrificing women’s self, desires and needs in service to men, their children and other people, even if harmful to their self, and often outside of awareness. This internalizes a loss of self. Women may justify their disadvantaged position as a “choice” as a defense strategy against feeling stigmatized.  Patriarchal approved “choices” for women lack the status, self-determination, security, economic advantages, and resources needed to be realistically and fully empowered in their life choices. Women learn that the perfect wife, mother and family member is self-sacrificing, devoted, obedient, forgiving and compassionate without the boundaries of a healthy self.

Acting as if weak, powerless and unassertive internalizes powerlessness. Leading a lifestyle that includes acting as if having extreme powerlessness, more than reality requires, confirms thoughts, actions, feelings and beliefs about personal powerlessness. Acting as if we don’t have needs, desires, opinions or boundaries confirms a weakened sense of self. Unfortunately, there is a holistic effect of this response and a vision of an alternative, more valuable, powerful and authentic self, is lost.

The values, norms, standards of behavior and hierarchies of the United States are patriarchal, and this means that all men are privileged over all women. This privilege creates harm and causes oppression. This harm is exponential for women with intersectional identities, including those that experience racism, ageism, classism, cis-genderism, and heterosexism.

Harmful patriarchal norms are so much a part of our everyday life that without intentional awareness, it may be hard to notice. This would not be an issue except that it is an issue. For groups privileged by patriarchy, it may be difficult to see that there is indeed a problem. Patriarchy has prescribed gender norms that when outside awareness, accepted and internalized, support the perpetuation of a patriarchal society, continues the cycle of oppression and has the potential to damage to all women’s physical and mental health.

Even with an understanding of how internalized oppression works to perpetuate patriarchy by instilling internalized misogyny within women, it can still be difficult to conceptualize another way of being that is better for all women and all of our society.

As a first step, people that chose to be a part of the solution may work to increase mindfulness and awareness and look deeper at generally accepted gender norms to examine the underlying factors that may support patriarchy and harm women.

As the first blog in this series, we will examine how valuing beauty and youth is a patriarchal supporting norm as it relates to the choice of a mate.

Women’s youth and beauty are valued in patriarchal society because these attributes are in service to men as their sexual partners. The acquisition of young and beautiful women also serves men’s egos as a younger partner is perceived as a status symbol. In addition, relationships with much younger women often have a power inequity. A study published in the journal, Psychological Science, Sex Differences in Mate Preferences Across 45 Countries: A Large-Scale Replication reported that men prefer attractive and young mates and women prefer older men with financial prospects. An interesting finding supports the idea that these mate choices are related to power inequality and patriarchal norms. The study found that cross-culturally, as gender equality increases, men and women both have mates closer to their own age. 

As men and women make the choice to enter these relationships with large age differentials, they may be sacrificing their future relationship satisfaction. Researchers have found that age gaps of less than 10 years increase relationship satisfaction. Another study found that marital satisfaction declines with the duration of the marriage, for both men and women in couples with larger age gaps. For women, the later dissatisfaction may impact mental health. One Korean study found that when the age gap was greater than 3 years, the severity of women’s depression increases as the gap increased by every 1-2 years.

What this research suggests is that women that chose older mates instead of their equal may do so because they have bought in to patriarchal norms regarding their own competence, agency, and power and therefore desire to trade beauty and youth for financial considerations. Men that choose younger mates may buy into the normative nature of male dominance and believe women have less value as they age. We will cover the research on those topics in later blogs in this series.