Woman Informed Blog

A Call to Embody an Inclusive Love and Compassion

Ruth King, in her book Mindful of Race says, “Racism is a heart disease and it’s curable!” This heart disease of racism causes great harm to black people, and all BIPOC people. If you allow yourself to see it, your heart might just break open. The resulting compassion might call you to action.

Researchers have documented the physical and mental health damage caused by the stress of living with racism as an identity-based trauma. Due to this stress, black people have higher rates of diabetes, obesity, asthma, lung disease, hypertension and heart disease. Because of this stress-based disease, black people die earlier. Racism also kills more directly as a result of police violence and a higher level of maternal mortality.

Black people are hurting. Black women have experienced several recent events that contribute to their collective pain. On January 8, Dr. Antoinette Candia-Bailey, VP of Student Affairs at Lincoln University took her own life. You can read about the racism that led to the sad ending of her life in Essence. This comes on the heels of the resignation of Dr. Claudine Gay, Harvard’s first black woman president for reasons also tied to racism, weak claims of plagiarism, and an aftermath that includes threats to her life. The wife of white Bill Ackman who played a large role in discrediting her is now accused of plagiarism, highlighting how black women face unfair and greater scrutiny. Black women experience continuous microaggressions, less support, greater barriers and less respect and acknowledgment of their accomplishments. The advocates for the Workplace Psychology Safety Act are educating people on how workplace bullying and mobbing is greater for people who have marginalized identities.

We don’t need to be overtly racist, or wear a white pointy hat, to contribute to racial harm. Robin Diangelo, explains the existence of racism, often unconscious, within progressive communities in her book Nice Racism : How Progressive White People Perpetuate Racial Harm.

Research highlights that all it takes to lack inclusive love and compassion is “othering.” We are more likely to empathize with people that we view as part of our in-group. We categorize people into groups of us versus them, then deliver more empathy toward people in groups with which we identify. Neuroscience researchers have even found a greater vicarious empathic responses for people of the same ethnicity .

For women that want to embody inclusive love and compassion, it is important to stop playing nice and start intentionally acting kind. And by kind, I mean standing up on behalf of BIPOC people, especially black women. As Ruth King notes, “Silence is a way in which white privilege is exercised.”

In order to engage in the inner work of racism, it may take the psychological work of unpacking internalized misogyny, and rethinking the prescribed norms of patriarchy. Patriarchy depends on women’s silence and submission. Because of this, internalized misogyny is a barrier to inclusive love and compassion. Women that disagree with this statement may be the ones that need to hear it most, as research shows that women that perceive less sexism have more internalized misogyny. A lack of real kindness, in the form of relational aggression between women is a symptom of internalized misogyny. In this way, internalized misogyny perpetuates the oppression of other women. Sadly, more so for women that are not in our same racial group.

I share this as an invitation to love more fully. To love more completely. To realize that love is a verb. To realize compassion requires action. We can commit to not leave anyone out of our circle of love and compassion. In recognizing our shared humanity, I invite women to do the inner psychological work required to embody an inclusive love and compassion.

Time Travel to Women’s Equality

Mental Health Harm of Sexism & Misogyny

I have traveled to the future of women’s equality and it is wonderful. By future, I mean Sweden. Spending more than 20 years working with Swedish companies as a communications consultant, I had the privilege of experiencing gender equality, as good as it gets on this planet earth.

Over the years, one Swedish client led to more, and I soon found myself with multiple yearly trips to Stockholm. I made friends, and spent a great deal of time, with some of the most fantastisk Swedish people. Yes, fantastisk is spelled correctly, the Swedish way. If my feminist activity should ever render me a refugee, I will seek asylum in Sweden.

Of no surprise to me, Sweden ranked #1 in a report recently released by the United Nations titled, THE PATHS TO EQUAL, Twin indices on women’s empowerment and gender equalit y. Also not surprisingly, the United States’ ranking was poor. Of 114 countries ranked, the United States ranked 22nd on the Women’s Empowerment Index (WEI) and a pathetic 33rd on the Global Gender Parity Index (GGPI). In addition to Sweden, I have had the pleasure of working with clients in other countries that outrank the US including Australia, Belgium, France, the United Kingdom, Switzerland, the Netherlands and Germany. Despite our self-perception of greatness, the data shows the U.S. is not such a great place for women. In comparison to more advanced countries, the U.S. culture screams misogyny and women have internalized this misogyny, leading to relational aggression between women perpetuating the problem. The UN report’s forward highlights the significance of global women’s issues as, “… the unfinished business of our time.”

The UN report ranked countries on two indices, the Women’s Empowerment Index (WEI) and the Global Gender Parity Index (GGPI). The WEI focused on women’s empowerment, to evaluate their power and freedom to make choices and seize opportunities. The GGPI evaluated the status of women relative to men to expose the gender gap. Evaluated together, they offer a big picture view into a countries progress towards women’s empowerment and gender equality.

What does gender equality feel like? Unfortunately, nobody really knows because it does not exist. None of the 114 countries analyzed in the report has achieved full women’s empowerment or complete gender parity. We may not know what full equality feels like, yet we do know that a lack of gender equality is a mental and physical health issue.

With a long-term mindfulness and meditation practice, experience as a psychotherapist, plus a ton of experience facilitating business meetings, my level of awareness regarding the nuances of human behavior is strong. Combined with education and up-to-date expertise in psychology and women’s issues, I have a contextual awareness and a felt sense of the energetic vibration of gender equality.

In March, U.N. chief, Secretary General António Guterres, spoke on the status of gender equality and outlined global atrocities, including the rolling back of women’s sexual and reproductive rights, and warned that women’s rights are now 300 years away from gender equality.

Guterres named the silencing of women as part of the challenge and mentioned the “misogynistic disinformation and misinformation” and social media gender trolling aimed at “silencing women and forcing them out of public life.”

The World Economic Forum’s G lobal Gender Gap Report 2023 was more optimistic naming a gap of 131 years and ranking the U.S. at 43rd, a drop from last year because of a sharp decline in the U.S. on the political empowerment index, a measure of the gap in the highest levels of political decision-making.

I am not sure how many years ahead I traveled by spending time in Sweden. Sweden Is not perfect so most likely not 300 years or even 131 years. I have heard some estimate it to be about 50 years.

How can we help the U.S. advance toward equality with a healthier culture that offers well-being and freedom to all its citizens? The issue is a psychological issue as everyone works to unpack and undo harmful patriarchal norms. This is especially an issue for women, as patriarchy, misogyny, sexism and gender-based oppression result in women’s identity-based trauma and the resulting internalized misogyny.

Travelers know that travel creates internal change for the better in fundamental ways. Mark Twain, in The Innocents Abroad (1869) famously said, “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.”

Travel creates the opportunity to build understanding out of our earned experience and wisdom. Not everyone will have the privilege of international travel or spending time in Sweden. This does not mean we cannot choose to be open-minded and humble in our worldview.

We don’t necessarily need to travel to hear the data speak on gender equality. The way that we respond to this data will determine the nature of our future.

Barbie, The Sequel as a Psychological Task

Internalized Misogyny

I was thoroughly entertained by the Barbie movie. It was both silly and serious and full of clever humor. By exaggerating and reversing the patriarchal order in the imaginary Barbie Land, the movie highlights inequities in our very real world today.

At the movie’s beginning, it uses satire in relation to the misguided view that sexism and misogyny are things of the past. Helen Mirrin as narrator delivers the line, “Thanks to Barbie all problems of feminism and equal rights have been solved.” The theater movie audience erupted in laughter.

The movie pokes fun at modern forms of sexism that attempt to deny the issues, and if you understand the nuances, shows that feminism has a lot of work to do. The vast differences in people’s reactions to this movie may reflect the differences in the capacity to perceive what is presented in this movie. Internalized misogyny is a theme woven through the scenes. When the Sasha character says “Oh come off it. Everyone hates women. Women hate women and men hate women. It is the one thing we can all agree on.” She speaks of the sad truth of how women, via thousands of years of oppression, now self-perpetuate patriarchy because of the process of internalized misogyny.

Studies show us that women that perceive less sexism have more internalized misogyny. This is sad, and scary, because internalized misogyny is what perpetuates relational aggression between women and upholds the patriarchal order. Using Kate McKinnon’s Weird Barbie character, the movie shows how women use relational aggression to target women that chose authenticity over conformity. The Barbies that meet patriarchal expectations repeat, “We called you weird Barbie behind your back and also to your face.” In this way, women keep other women in line with oppressive societal scripts and norms. It highlights the choice we women face today, “You are either brainwashed or you are weird and ugly, there is no in between.”

In today’s post-me-too world, many hypocritical organizations with well-documented histories of oppressing women and being complicit in the abuse of women, are now attempting to rewrite history and claim they were pro-women all along. Will Farrell, as Mattel’s CEO, on an all-male management team, is hilarious as he fumbles around to show how this is done.

Demonstrating the current state of men’s entitlement to unearned privilege and feeble attempts to keep our world from evolving towards equality, a job-seeking Ken asked his interviewer, “Isn’t being a man enough.” His interviewer’s reply, “Actually right now, it is kind of the opposite.” Ken protested, “You guys are clearly not doing patriarchy very well.” And the interviewer beautifully summed up today’s underground, implicit state of misogyny and sexism with this reply, “We are doing it well, we just hide it better now.”

The movie, and especially its commentary, show us what we are willing to tolerate in the oppression of women, and what we are not willing to tolerate in the oppression of men. If men were to be treated as our society treats women, we can’t let that happen. The movie touches men’s fear of women’s power. The fear that women will use it to oppress them as we have been oppressed. Yet a serious feminist agenda is about equality for everyone, not finding a way to get the upper hand so that we can oppress men. Mature feminism is in the best interest of men also. Anti-Patriarchy is not man vs. woman. I believe the filmmakers, given the depth of nuance in this movie, understood that exaggerating the reverse highlights the extremism and harm done to everyone because we are a patriarchal society.

Yet men’s reaction to this movie is not the only thing that gives me concern. A dimension of internalized misogyny, m ale prioritization, is seen in much of the commentary by women regarding this movie. Many women may not yet have awareness that the movie may bring up their inner patriarchy-approved role as self sacrificing caregivers. In their analysis, many women are acting on their drive to protect and care for Ken by turning the conversation back to how this movie is unfair to men whom we need to remember, are the dominant group in the patriarchal order. We would not want our empowerment, independence, intelligence or confidence to get in the way of our men feeling needed or powerful would we? Patriarchal conditioning tells us we must make this right. Yet we have left our sisters hanging for thousands of years without action.

Patriarchal society is ridiculous. So ridiculous that it makes for an entertaining movie. Patriarchy is structured in such a way that it creates a lack of emotional and existential depth and robs all people of an authentic sense of self, and their full humanness. Coming to consciousness and reconstructing a healthy sense of self free of patriarchal conditioning is a task for everyone across the gender spectrum. That is hard work, and this is psychological work.

In much commentary, this Barbie Land is supposedly the ideal world. Yet in this so-called ideal world, women can’t speak of real things like death. Women are expected to experience life with a wide smile and exaggerated optimism so as to not to make anyone uncomfortable. We are still here for other people’s service and comfort.

This movie is also a great example of how white supremacy and agism intersect with sexism and misogyny, The stereotypical Barbie, the perfect Barbie, is white, young and pretty. She is the one that is allowed to be the main ideal Barbie. The black and brown Barbies can come to her party, they can even be civil servants as President, but it is white savior Barbie’s party. Older women offer wisdom from the background, in cameo-like appearances they demonstrate that they get it and have risen above patriarchal norms, yet the young, beautiful Barbie is our focus. In Barbie Land, women lack the full spectrum of human expression. Physical attributes are still prioritized because cellulite and Birkenstock-wearing flat feet are terrifying. In Barbie Land, there is still an abdication of value, power and self , because Barbie doesn’t yet know who she is without patriarchy and she still thinks she needs to be pretty in addition to independent and powerful.

Patriarchy wants woman in a box and many women feel safe in that box, especially women that are receiving the benefits of patriarchy. Stepping out of the box is dangerous and if you speak out against the box you will lose benefits. Many women in today’s society don’t want to involve themselves in the cause. Because if they do, they may lose both benefits from men and patriarchy and popularity with other women. Patriarchy-rejecting Weird Barbie is not fully accepted or respected. Yet Weird Barbie gets it, “You have opened a portal…and now there is a rip in the continuum that is the membrane between Barbie Land and the real world…You have to fix the rip yourself.” But white, pretty, ideal Barbie replies, “I don’t want to.”

It does not matter if we want to change or not, patriarchy harms women’s mental health, even those that deny the existence of sexism and misogyny. The movie touches this in the line, “Anxiety, panic attacks and OCD sold separately.” In our real world, we need to realize it is in fact a package deal. It is well-researched that sexism and misogyny are mental health issues. Patriarchal norms harm women’s sense of self. There is a thing that has been identified as S exism-Based Traumatic Stress and it contributes to PTSD.

So what is the sequel? I suggest the sequel is the individual psychological task we each need to undertake to transform ourselves. To undertake the psychological process of coming into a Woman Informed consciousness that transcends patriarchy. It starts with education and the ability to see what is happening. As a line in the movie suggests, “By giving voice to the cognitive dissonance required to be a woman under the patriarchy you robbed it of its power.” We need to understand that patriarchy is not outside of us, it is deeply embedded in each of us. We need to uproot the patriarchy within ourselves and as a result, everyone across the gender spectrum will have greater access to freedom, fulfillment and an authentic sense of self.

Characteristics and Harm of Internalized Patriarchal Norms (Blog Series) 3 of 6: Male Prioritization as Dimension of Internalized Misogyny

Internalized Misogyny

Within patriarchal norms, males are prioritized in the hierarchy. Research on internalized misogyny has identified the tendency for women to prioritize the needs of men over women as a dimension of internalized misogyny. This makes sense given another dimension of internalized misogyny suggests that women abdicate their value, power and sense of self in favor of men.

Bearman and Amrhein in their book, Internalized Oppression, provide an overview of the dynamics underlying the many types of internalized oppression. For women, they share an overview of the specific cultural roots and systems framework that creates internalized misogyny in women.

We know that sexism invalidates women and their experiences and as a result women internalize this invalidation and extend this belief set beyond self to other women. This leads to women distrusting their own views and judgement, feeling they need to rely on men. Women that have absorbed this harmful aspect of self may then leave the power of decision making to men.

When males are prioritized, it perpetuates a lack of balance in power structures. Because this lack of trust extends to other women, women may have a desire for male leadership. Women experiencing this impact of sexism may be more comfortable with men in charge.

Another important way this form of sexism arises is in discussions of patriarchy. Patriarchy by its very nature prioritizes men as the dominate group and oppressions women. Demonstrating an aspect of internalized misogyny, women may desire to redirect the focus on the harm done to women in patriarchy to how we can support men in their journey to overcome the harmful impact of patriarchy. Patriarchal norms put women in the role of supporters and caretakers of men. This gender norm undermines and minimizes the needs of women in favor of men. In relation to patriarchy, women may be deflecting away from the challenging internal work of dismantling the patriarchy that resides within. This is the primary work of women.

There is complexity to this issue because even though men are not the oppressed group in patriarchy, it does harm them. Patriarchal systems assign codes, scripts, meanings and social norms based on the gender binary that harm the emotional well being, mental health, self awareness and relational abilities of people across the gender spectrum, including men. Men are hurting, trapped in expectations of dominance and control. Patriarchal norms prescribe that we treat men as if their feelings don’t count. It does not acknowledge that men have the right to their full humanity, vulnerability and emotional expression. When we are in relationship, we can support men in their journey, offering our presence, recognizing that it is their journey, and women have their own.

There are therapists and feminists that focus on helping men overcome the negative impact of patriarchy. With the exception of the responsibility of being therapists to men and boys, or parenting boys, this work is not women’s primary responsibility. If interested in this issue, a good place to start is with Bell Hooks, in her book, The Will To Change. In it she shares how men can overcome the negative socialization of patriarchy. Men need to learn to get in touch with and express emotion and open to a rich and spiritual inner world. She shares how toxic masculinity is related to a damaged ability for love, intimacy, connection and relationships, violence and other ailments of society. She addresses how men can work to dismantle their internalized patriarchy and how as a result, there is so much to gain.

Patriarchy denies full humanity to everyone of every gender. Just as patriarchal norms deny women their “masculine” side, patriarchal norms deny men their “feminine” side. To overcome patriarchy, all people across the gender spectrum must reclaim their whole being and experience the freedom of an authentic self expression that is not narrowly defined by harmful norms. It is interesting to note that it is more socially acceptable to suggest that men balance their masculine side with their feminine side that to suggest the opposite for women. Women’s feminine sides need the balance of the masculine side to empower the feminine. This balance strengthens the feminine energy and women, and this is not a desired outcome within patriarchal power structures.

Characteristics and Harm of Internalized Patriarchal Norms (Blog Series) 2 of 6: Women’s Abdication of Value, Power and Self

Internalized Misogyny

Research by Bearman, Korobov and Thorne describe how incidents of sexism exist on a spectrum. Mundane, everyday sexism is the background of our daily lives. These everyday experiences have a profound impact on women’s mental health and relationships. One result of day-to-day sexism is the pervasiveness of women’s feelings of unworthiness and powerlessness. The source of these harmful feelings about self are often left unexamined.

One of the dimensions of internalized misogyny identified in research conducted by Binaz Bozker in 2020 is that women devalue themselves. They judge themselves less worthy than males. When women feel they hold less value and are less worthy than their male peers, their sense of self is damaged and that may lead to feelings of incompetence and the acceptance of powerlessness.

Women’s self-targeting derogation, or value reduction, includes an internalized patriarchal sense of morality. Derogation keeps women in their place, a place that supports the disproportionate distribution of power in patriarchal systems as women believe they are exactly where they need to be and are unworthy, or unsuited, for a different position in life. This morality is oppressive in that it confines women to live within a limiting and narrow spectrum of behavior norms, creating barriers for women’s full ability for self-expression and life possibilities.

The authors of Internalized Oppression, Bearman and Amrhein, outline how in everyday conversation and situations, women’s experiences and characteristics are invalidated and trivialized. In comparison to men, patriarchal society does not value women’s values, choices, feelings, thoughts, opinions, views and preferences. When this becomes internalized, a woman does not believe in their own judgements, and she is more likely to rely on men. In this way, she abdicates her power of decision making and her life choices.

Another way that this dimension serves the aim of oppression is that when women internalize powerlessness they may self-silence their voice and avoid asserting their ideas, decisions and power. This is an obvious win for oppressors. Embodying power, being decisive and demonstrating assertiveness are traits reserved for men in patriarchal structures. There are also financial and professional consequences of internalizing these gender expectations. A woman that owns her agency traits of power and assertiveness may realize more competence and success in many professional areas, especially male dominated fields.

Women learn early that the need to be liked versus respected relates to how we hide our voice power, assertiveness and elements of self that don’t fit gender norms. Women that reject the oppression of patriarchal values asking us to act as if unworthy and powerless face social consequences. They will be perceived by people that uphold patriarchal values as less desirable. For women to be both relational and empowered, it may require she strategically seek out and maintain relationships, friendships and social networks of similarly empowered people to avoid social penalties and nurture supportive relationships that are in line with an empowered value system.

When a woman abdicates her power, she may give in to cultural pressure. In this case, women may internalize a low expectation of their capabilities and live their life accordingly. This submission may be reflected in the full spectrum of life choices and level of conformity to gender role expectations. Women may choose careers perceived as designed primarily for females even if she has other interests and unowned talents. She may design her life in alignment with women’s expected role in society. When women do achieve, they may not own their own capabilities that contributed to success.

Patriarchal society glorifies women’s extreme self-sacrifice and may idealize renouncing, ignoring and sacrificing women’s self, desires and needs in service to men, their children and other people, even if harmful to their self, and often outside of awareness. This internalizes a loss of self. Women may justify their disadvantaged position as a “choice” as a defense strategy against feeling stigmatized. Patriarchal approved “choices” for women lack the status, self-determination, security, economic advantages, and resources needed to be realistically and fully empowered in their life choices. Women learn that the perfect wife, mother and family member is self-sacrificing, devoted, obedient, forgiving and compassionate without the boundaries of a healthy self.

Acting as if weak, powerless and unassertive internalizes powerlessness. Leading a lifestyle that includes acting as if having extreme powerlessness, more than reality requires, confirms thoughts, actions, feelings and beliefs about personal powerlessness. Acting as if we don’t have needs, desires, opinions or boundaries confirms a weakened sense of self. Unfortunately, there is a holistic effect of this response and a vision of an alternative, more valuable, powerful and authentic self, is lost.

Characteristics and Harm of Internalized Patriarchal Norms (Blog Series) 1 of 6: Choice of Mate, Beauty, and Youth

Internalized Misogyny

The values, norms, standards of behavior and hierarchies of the United States are patriarchal, and this means that all men are privileged over all women. This privilege creates harm and causes oppression. This harm is exponential for women with intersectional identities, including those that experience racism, ageism, classism, cis-genderism, and heterosexism.

Harmful patriarchal norms are so much a part of our everyday life that without intentional awareness, it may be hard to notice. This would not be an issue except that it is an issue. For groups privileged by patriarchy, it may be difficult to see that there is indeed a problem. Patriarchy has prescribed gender norms that when outside awareness, accepted and internalized, support the perpetuation of a patriarchal society, continues the cycle of oppression and has the potential to damage to all women’s physical and mental health.

Even with an understanding of how internalized oppression works to perpetuate patriarchy by instilling internalized misogyny within women, it can still be difficult to conceptualize another way of being that is better for all women and all of our society.

As a first step, people that chose to be a part of the solution may work to increase mindfulness and awareness and look deeper at generally accepted gender norms to examine the underlying factors that may support patriarchy and harm women.

As the first blog in this series, we will examine how valuing beauty and youth is a patriarchal supporting norm as it relates to the choice of a mate.

Women’s youth and beauty are valued in patriarchal society because these attributes are in service to men as their sexual partners. The acquisition of young and beautiful women also serves men’s egos as a younger partner is perceived as a status symbol. In addition, relationships with much younger women often have a power inequity. A study published in the journal, Psychological Science, Sex Differences in Mate Preferences Across 45 Countries: A Large-Scale Replication reported that men prefer attractive and young mates and women prefer older men with financial prospects. An interesting finding supports the idea that these mate choices are related to power inequality and patriarchal norms. The study found that cross-culturally, as gender equality increases, men and women both have mates closer to their own age.

As men and women make the choice to enter these relationships with large age differentials, they may be sacrificing their future relationship satisfaction. Researchers have found that age gaps of less than 10 years increase relationship satisfaction. Another study found that marital satisfaction declines with the duration of the marriage, for both men and women in couples with larger age gaps. For women, the later dissatisfaction may impact mental health. One Korean study found that when the age gap was greater than 3 years, the severity of women’s depression increases as the gap increased by every 1-2 years.

What this research suggests is that women that chose older mates instead of their equal may do so because they have bought in to patriarchal norms regarding their own competence, agency, and power and therefore desire to trade beauty and youth for financial considerations. Men that choose younger mates may buy into the normative nature of male dominance and believe women have less value as they age. We will cover the research on those topics in later blogs in this series.